When the Checklist Isn’t Enough - Building Skills That Make Routines Stick
Raise your hand if this sounds familiar: the alarm goes off and you’re immediately hit with a wave of dread as you anticipate what’s about to unfold. The reminders, the nagging, the negotiations… and eventually, the morning meltdown. Everyone leaves feeling defeated, misunderstood, and disconnected, and that feeling of guilt lingers long past drop-off.
In our earlier blogs, we explored how to use checklists as a contextual tool (not a cure-all), and how to set up an environment that supports independence.
Now, we’re taking that next step - focusing on the skills behind the routines. Because when checklists and visuals aren’t working, it’s often not about motivation or effort… it’s about missing skills.
Step 1: Pinpoint the Biggest Stressor - Without Judgment : Invite your child into the problem-solving process
As you work to identify where routines tend to unravel, bring your child into the conversation. Dr. Ross Greene, author of The Explosive Child, emphasizes the importance of actively listening and collaborating with children to solve problems. His core belief, “Kids do well if they can” , reminds us that when routines fall apart, it’s not because a child is being oppositional or careless. It’s because a skill needed for that moment hasn’t fully developed yet.
Instead of telling your child what should be easier by now, approach the conversation with curiosity rather than judgment, of your child and yourself. The goal isn’t to figure out what went wrong, but to understand what’s getting in the way right now.
Ask open-ended questions like:
What part of getting ready feels hardest?
When do things start to feel tricky in the morning?
Is there a step that feels confusing or overwhelming?
And when your child answers, believe them, even if their response surprises you. What seems small to an adult often signals a very real skill gap for a child. Trusting their perspective keeps the conversation open and helps you target the support they actually need.
Similar to an iceberg, the skills required to complete the steps within a routine aren’t always visible on the surface. Executive functioning challenges, sensory needs, or developmental differences can make daily routines especially difficult to manage independently. When we intentionally bring these hidden skills to light, we can better identify where explicit instruction and skill-building are still needed.
Step 2: Build the Skill Behind the Struggle
If getting dressed is a daily battle, try breaking down and practicing the skills required for this task. Even if your child doesn’t struggle with getting dressed, this way of thinking still applies. The real takeaway is learning how to look underneath any routine that feels hard and identify the skills it requires.
You can do this by asking curious questions like:
What actually goes into ________?
Does my child know how to start this on their own?
Do they know where to find what they need?
Have I explicitly taught them how to do this step, or have I just assumed they know?
What skills might this routine be quietly demanding that are still developing?
Here’s what this way of thinking could look like for getting dressed:
Skill: Self-advocacy
Go through every piece of clothing together and make a keep and donate pile. Let your child lead the decision-making, this builds advocacy and helps eliminate sensory triggers. When sensory discomfort is reduced, executive and motor skills have a better chance to come online.
Skill: Planning
Once you have the “keep” pile, create a few outfit combinations your child loves. Snap pictures and hang them up as a mini “look book” or “glam corner.”
Skill: Task Initiation and Follow Through
Plan the outfit ahead of time, this could happen Sunday night for the week ahead or the night before - offer two choices if needed, but avoid changing in the morning.
Skill: Motor Planning and Coordination
And don’t forget: practice the physical act of getting dressed during a calm time. Pulling shirts on, tugging pants up, and putting on socks require motor planning and coordination, skills that develop through repetition, not reminders.
Tip: Celebrate every victory along the way to mastery - these small wins are what lead to greater independence and self-confidence!
Step 3: Recommit with Compassion
When routines feel hard, it’s easy to slip into frustration or self-blame. But sustainable progress happens when we give ourselves grace and recognize that these skills take time, especially for neurodiverse learners.
Routines that last aren’t built on perfect mornings; they’re built on flexibility, compassion, and the understanding that what works for one child might not work for another.
Up next in our “Making Routines Stick Beyond September” series:
We’ll explore how to fade adult support and build your child’s independence, without letting things fall apart in the process.